Today begins a new writing venture, attempting to document some form of content every day for the next 31 days. I enter this challenge with little preparation, minimal ideas, and a strong urge to phone it in. I'll resist this temptation, and instead lower the bar on day one to such a degree all future posts seem almost prophetic.
Movin' On Up
Death is the only certainty in Britain (apart from Victoria Line delays and a hatred of the French). Every year in the UK 1,082 of every 100,000 of us sign off permanently. That's a lot of caskets1. Once your ethereal self has ascended to the pearly (or fiery, looking at you Jeff) gates, what's left on the checklist? A hefty bill:
- Uber Black for your corpse
- Funeral service forcing your family to endure your terrible music taste
- Staff to lower you into the ground + a priest to gaslight everyone into remembering how great you were
- Plot of land to ensure your NIMBY legacy can continue
- Wake (ironically named given how boring it is) to remind attendees how stingy you were via the awful finger food
The Price is Shite
A 'direct burial' alone currently averages a total cost of £1,5272. My imagination of this phrase conjures a poorly funded Wallace and Gromit episode, with your family watching in despair as you are flung trebuchet-like into the waiting abyss. Unsurprisingly, the cost of toasting like a marshmallow is slightly lower, with direct cremation sitting at £1,597 - proof that even after death, you're still getting shafted by rising energy prices. This is without any of the other fees.
Just for a point of comparison, the cost of BBQ-ing your out-of-shape, wrinkly corpse could buy a 14-inch M5 MacBook Pro3. I know which I'd prefer under the Christmas tree.
Then we get to the additional costs that most families have to stomach. A simple funeral, with a mid-range coffin, funeral director, and a limousine comes in at £4,285. This doesn't even include flowers, catering, transport, a wake, or professional fees. With these totted up, the total is an insane £9,797. Unlike any of my family when I see those prices - we're so cooked.
To make matters worse, only 28% of these funerals are being paid for in advance. This is a huge strain on family budgets, and leads to many going into debt. This has made me seriously reevaluate my end of life financial planning, where I will now section off a portion of my finances to cover these costs. Unless of course my lord and saviour Bryan Johnson can save me.
Nan, We're Off to Delhi
It may come as no surprise that the world's cheapest place to die is India4, with an average cost of £96. So next time your relative starts to confuse the carbon monoxide alarm with the Alexa, let's get ourselves a one-way ticket booked, an in-flight vindaloo, and fire up reddit.com/r/henryuk.