One of my close family members has been given two to six months to live. They are entering heart failure, and although they are facing it stoically, I feel a pressure to maximise the time we have left.
There are geographical restrictions. I am in London, they in the West Midlands. I spend too much time working and travelling, and I fill my time with an abundance of activities. Yet, the thing really stopping me from contacting them more was an irrational thought. I didn't want the idea that they were dying to be the primary factor in me making contact. It felt forced and contrived. I wanted the image they held to be the real version of me; the person they know and love; not some version trying to net points at the end of the game.
I've come to the realisation that this is idiotic. I love this person. They have been one of the defining characters in my life. I have made a decision; I am going to call them more, ask them about the parts of their life I've missed, and tell them how much they mean to me. I am not going to handle this perfectly. I will still get distracted by work. I will still avoid calls some days because I am tired. But doing this imperfectly is still better than hiding behind the idea that my motives are not pure enough. I'm going to optimise the time I have with them now.
This week has been horrible. I'm shutting the laptop, calling them, and hoping I can hold it together.